


evermore

by patroclusstars



Series: evermore x deancas [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Dean Winchester POV, Dean Winchester wants to live, Dean is slightly suicidal, Lyric fic, M/M, Post-Finale, Sad, Song fic, Swearing, based on evermore by taylor swift, but not really, dean is mourning, heller taylor swift, how tf do u tag oh my god????, kind of, no beta we die like men, post 15.20, this one hurt!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:42:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28664130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patroclusstars/pseuds/patroclusstars
Summary: I rewind thе tape but all it does is pauseOn thе very moment, all was lost“I love you.”How incredible is it to find someone who knew you, inside and out, truly knew you, and have him ripped away in front of you? Without even getting to say goodbye. Cas didn’t even know he loved him back.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: evermore x deancas [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2055471
Kudos: 14





	evermore

**Author's Note:**

> hey back again, this one hurt BIG TIME i started crying because i kinda lowkey forgot that dean actually died lol that was fun to re-experience!
> 
> goodnight enjoy please leave comments i have no idea if u guys like this or hate it. either way, there's one more fic after this one so stay tuned

I had a feeling so peculiar  
That this pain would be for  
Evermore

All Dean could think about was Cas. The striking blue of his eyes. His dorky crooked smile when he tried to cheer people up. Saving Dean time and time again, always being there when he called.

When he died in Apocalypse World, protecting Jack and Kelly and Dean and Sam, Dean felt like he lost one of the most important people in his life. And he did. All because of his Nephilim kid, the son of fuckin’ Lucifer! And he was expected to take care of him because ‘that’s what Cas would want us to do.’ Bullshit.

(Sam told Eileen he was like a widower, whose spouse died in childbirth and he resented the child she bore. All Dean saw when he looked at Jack was Lucifer. The devil who tried to kill him and his family and Cas. Numerous times.)

Slowly, however, he began to see the good in Jack. Castiel. All he saw was Cas. And then Cas was back and life was as peachy as it could be when you’re raising a teenaged(?) Nephilim who’s powerful enough to destroy the cosmos if he gets angry.

But this time...

Can't remember  
What I used to fight for

This time Dean felt like he lost a limb, like he lost a piece of himself. 

Cas told him once about the fable of humans being born with four arms, four legs, two hearts, etc, but God split them apart so they spent their entire lives searching for their missing halves. It was 2 in the morning, in a seedy motel room in the middle of nowhere, way before Jack or Evil Chuck or Purgatory. Sam was sleeping soundly in the bed next to him, but Dean and Cas were sitting on the relatively clean couch, looking at the moon shine down on the wet pavement outside.

At the time, Dean scoffed at the story, and Cas went into a full blown rant about how incorrect that was. After Cas’s… final death Dean couldn’t help but think how accurate that was. He finally found the person that made him whole, and lost him just as quick.

I rewind thе tape but all it does is pause  
On thе very moment, all was lost

“Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love.”

“Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about the whole world because of you.”

“I love you.”

How incredible is it to find someone who knew you, inside and out, truly knew you, and have him ripped away in front of you? Without even getting to say goodbye. Cas didn’t even know he loved him back.

About two weeks post-Chuck, Dean finally ventured into Cas’s room, if you could call it that. Basically, it’s where he stored everything he bought while on the road. (The angel loved brochures and anything bee themed. Nerd.)

Rummaging through the drawers (what an invasion of privacy, he thought briefly.) Dean found the mixtape, “Dean's top 13 Led Zepp Traxx,” placed carefully and deliberately in the middle drawer of a dusty nightstand. The mixtape, in contrast, was clean as a whistle.

Dean imagined Cas driving along a rural, quiet road, blasting his songs out of the speakers of the Continental. Maybe his tie was loosened, maybe his elbow was slightly out of the window. Maybe he was humming along, a big grin on his face.

Dean sat down and cried for a while.

And when I was shipwrecked I thought of you  
In the cracks of light I dreamed of you  
It was real enough To get me through 

Dean knew he was dying. He could feel the blood draining out of his body. Maybe if Sam called an ambulance he would be okay, but honestly? Dean was tired. He knew that Cas and Sam would want him to live, and he hated himself for making Cas’s sacrifice pointless. He wanted to live! He had a dog and was looking for jobs! This was supposed to be one of the last jobs they did, not The Last.

But in his mind, if it wasn’t today it would be tomorrow. Or next week. Some pissed off demon that gets out of Rowena’s control and attacks him in his sleep when he’s 60 years old. A long, happy life was never in the book for Dean. No matter how much he craved that peace.

He drifted a bit, the last thing he heard was Sam telling him that everything would be okay. His little brother had to reassure him that he was okay, everything was okay. He needed that, to hear that Sam would be alright, that Dean himself would be alright.

He saw the tears in his brother’s eyes, felt the warmth of his hands cradling his face, but he dreamed about Cas as he died.

And then he woke up, anew.

I had a feeling so peculiar  
This pain wouldn't be for  
Evermore

“Cas helped.”

Cas helped. CAS HELPED? So Cas was alive. Great cool awesome, Dean was not at all freaking out about seeing the man he recently realized he was in love with, and who loved him back.

Maybe Heaven wouldn’t be so bad… as long as Cas was there.


End file.
